Investing by the stars

Face it—anyone can recommend buying a particularly stock based on its earnings outlook, PE ratio, etc. But buying winners or shorting losers based on astrology—well, let’s just say your returns can only improve from recent market performances. I’m tired of reading “Microsoft is undervalued at $22.” How often do you base your investment on “MSFT should benefit when Bill Gates’ Saturn-Pluto conflict begins, but suffer when Mercury enters Leo”? If you had followed that advice, you would have bought at $22.60 and sold at $23.18, for a 2 ½% return in 3 days. Find a few of those gems each week and watch your fortune grow.

With that in mind, I unveil the Spectacularly Comprehensive Astrology Market Report, my investing horoscope that tailors each signs’ unique characteristics to an investment strategy for the day. The following are samples from a recent SCAM Report issue:

In General: Ben Bernanke’s chart show much anger and unresolved issues. Expect an irate Fed chief to try and show he’s in charge and raise the fed funds rate ½% at the upcoming meeting. Short bank stocks before the announcement, but cover your positions when Cramer’s head explodes on national TV.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20) You stubbornly ignore my advice, losing money in the stock market and blaming me in the process. So from now on my tips to you reflect the absolute worst investments in the market. Or you can visit Chrees’ World blog and get the same information.

Gemini: (May 21-June 21) Since you are the type of person to simultaneously buy and short a stock, your best play this week is TWIN. Buy when the Lunar union with Vesta occurs, but sell before the stock goes in the tank with the Moon entering Aquarius.

Leo: (July 23-August 22) Due to tougher aspects of the grand cross, you’re screwed today. Don’t bother getting out of bed or checking your investment accounts until the Lunar-Uranus union. If you aren't 100% in cash, you may want to think about therapy, too (with your decreased account balances, I recommend group therapy—it’s cheaper).

Virgo: (August 23-September 22) As the new moon begins, stocks like ECLIPSE and DARK will outperform the market for you. Spend the resulting windfalls on yourself—your friends and family think you are anal-retentive so you might as well selfishly flaunt your success in front of them.

Please keep in mind that for $10,000 a year, you can be part of the Personal Investment Stars Service that I provide, which uses your individual birth chart to further refine and tailor investment recommendations. The form at the bottom of this sheet gives the details on how to wire the fee to my Grand Cayman bank account.